Monday, November 13, 2017

Life Lately

       Thank you all for your sweet messages, emails, hugs, and phone calls over the past week. I am feeling much better physically than I was a few weeks ago, but am still having some strange symptoms and am still undiagnosed. The #MysteryIllnessCrisisOfFall2017 drags on.

Bella & me last Monday
       My sweet German Shepherd, Bella, passed away on Wednesday. She was surrounded by love and the people she adores the most. My mom and I held her as she took her last breath. We have had Bella since I was in the first grade, so I cannot even remember a time without her. She has been with me for the entirety of my education, and on the hundreds of sick days I have had she has come over to me on the couch, rested her head in my lap, and looked up at me with striking brown eyes. Bella had severe arthritis, and I often felt as though she was the only one who fully understood the pain. Sometimes we would walk up the stairs together slowly, taking them one at a time, and then when we would get to the top we would look at each other and celebrate our win. She was fiercely loyal and amazingly gentle. There is no other dog like her. My family misses her terribly.

      This afternoon I am seeing a new rheumatologist for the first time, and to be honest I have lost some hope and am not expecting much from the appointment. I am so exhausted. I am scared of whatever happened to me so acutely over the past several weeks flaring up again, especially since I am no longer on any medications for my arthritis except for an NSAID. I am trying very hard not to give up. My only other upcoming appointments are with cardiology at the end of November, surgery in December, and ophthalmology and my old rheumatologist in January. I am feeling glad to have less appointments, but also frustrated because we really haven't gotten anywhere at all aside from ruling things out.
   
     I am super annoyed about how this semester has gone, because I really wanted it to be good and healthy and fun. I feel like my friends and professors are not seeing my best self, and I am not seeing my best self, and it is so irritating to have no control over my body and no diagnosis or treatment in place. Being sick in college, and in my late teens, when everyone else seems to be experiencing their peak of health, is immensely lonely. Sometimes when I am hanging out with "healthy" friends I find myself distracted with jealousy of the lack of thought they put into their health. They get up without feeling a pang of panic about how their ankles, knees, and hips will cooperate with their new position. They bite into their food without thinking about the pain it will cause in their jaw. It is hard for me to imagine not feeling constant physical pain.

     I think there is a world somewhere out there where Bella is running around on joints free from any pain, chasing tennis balls and befriending swans and cuddling with her toys. I think we all get to enter that world at some point. Sometimes I wonder if people think I am religious just because I am sick; are my beliefs just a coping mechanism? I don't think so. I think I genuinely believe all these things about a better place. But I also think that if you believe them just because you are hurting, that's okay too.We should all be a little gentler with each other. 

1 comment:

  1. You are SIMPLY AMAZING!! Twin, I admire your strength every single day and every time I see you try your hardest to be positive and not give up. I know giving up is always in the back of our minds, but I just love how you keep going! Love you Twin and I hope today went well! <3

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