Thursday, December 17, 2015

Procrastination of Thought

     Well friends, I did it! I officially gave myself my own Orencia shot - it really was not bad at all and I am very glad that it was successful.

     I thought I would be able to just stick it right in, but after about five minutes of pinching up my skin and rubbing the spot on my thigh again and again with an alcohol swab, I realized that my needle was not really getting any closer to my skin. In an effort to distract myself, I called my friend Faith.

Photo kindly taken by Kayla
      Faith and I go back to the eighth grade, and I really don't know how we became such good friends, but it just kind of happened and I am glad that it did. She is by far the most reliable and authentic human being I have ever met, which is a real blessing because I know I am not nearly as reliable or authentic as she is and I often wonder why in the world she puts up with me. Whenever I need someone to vent to, or when I want to say something that I know will not make sense to anyone, she is the person I call. Faith always picks up the phone, willing to discuss whatever is on our minds, happy to share her opinions with me and eager to hear what I think. She doesn't choose between listening and giving advice; she does both, when and where it is appropriate. I am thankful that she is comfortable joking about my health and that she has not shunned me yet for always throwing my loose hair on her. Somehow it doesn't matter to her whether or not what I am thinking is logical or sane, she just accepts it for what it is and we move on. I am incredibly proud of her achievements and of her character, and I feel lucky to know such a wonderful person. There is no one else I would rather choreograph elaborate dances to Adele songs with in social studies classrooms after school. It's a good time.

     So back to the story. Faith gave me a full analysis of the awkwardly endearing show "Glee," which she is basically an expert on. It sounded to me like she was passionately defending a dissertation on the development of the show over the course of its seasons, but really she was just being her normal self, which is pretty amazing. As she was telling me about her dislike of a few of the musical numbers performed, I managed to slide the needle into my skin quickly. I pushed the medication in very slowly, but I was overjoyed. It did not hurt in the slightest, and I felt very accomplished. After Faith heard me verbally congratulate myself, she said "Good job! Okay back to Glee..." and continued on, which was exactly what I needed at the time because it took me about a day and a half to push all of the medication in.

     I am glad that I am able to give myself my own shots now, but also it is really a pointless skill if the medication in them does not help. My rheumatologist said it could start working in as little as 3-4 days after my appointment, but this was my third dose and I must say that I feel nothing. Over the course of the day, I have experienced pain in my knees, hips, ankles, elbows, wrists, and fingers, which seems like a lot of joints now that I have written them all out. I've noticed inflammation in my wrists and my index PIPs, but I really don't know what to do about that. Walking to class, particularly in the morning, has been difficult, and unfortunately my first period class is one of the furthest rooms from the parking lot.

      I have only worn my knee braces for one day since Friday, which has proven to be a pretty dumb move. I am not proud of this, but sometimes I don't wear the braces because I feel like they're ruining my outfit or making me look "weird." Sometimes I just want to blend right in, so I can pretend that no one knows about my illness, even though I am surrounded by friends who are well aware of the condition my body is in. But by mid-day, it felt like someone was punching my knees as hard as they could every time I moved them even the slightest bit. However, I was #blessed this past weekend because I assumed the concert I was going to with friends on Saturday night was a standing thing, but it was actually a seated event. It was quite the miracle, I must say. Despite the seats, I was flaring all over and my hair was falling out in handfuls by the time I left, but I just tossed it aside (literally) and promised myself that I would think about it later.

      Maybe I can just think about all of it later. Maybe I can pretend like the Orencia is working, like my joints move as smoothly as butter, like my hair is thick and healthy, like I have boundless energy, and like I am not a burden to everyone during my flares. Until then, I will keep calling Faith, and dancing when I can, and watching reruns of Grey's Anatomy, and holding my own concerts when I'm driving alone in my car. I will think about it later.

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