I am trying to be healthier. For me, a big part of being healthier is taking time off when I need to, and staying home before my body goes completely crazy instead of letting things get really bad and then reluctantly staging a medical intervention for myself. Of course, taking time off/staying home is also a very frustrating experience. Yesterday morning, I laid in my bed for a little while, staring at the light blue walls in my room. I absolutely adore my bedroom, and the way the sun streams through my curtains is lovely. I wanted to get up and be productive, but my knees were locked and my chest felt heavy. I contented myself with thinking instead of working and fell back asleep.
I genuinely love school. My classes fascinate me, and my teachers are incredible. I am taking as many courses as I possibly can this year. Unfortunately, my body cannot always keep up with this pace. Yesterday I was making pancakes, which has become a sick-day tradition for me, and as I was staring at the air bubbles in each pancake gently popping all I could concentrate on was how guilty I felt about missing school. People tell me that it is not a burden, but I know that it is. It will take my teachers time and effort to work out a schedule for my make up work, and I am a day behind now.
|My adorable mother and I at the Jingle|
Bell Walk/Run for Arthritis this morning.
I am learning how to forgive myself. I am learning how to look at my flaring joints and tell myself that it is okay for me to acknowledge that I am ill sometimes. It is okay that some days I just can't do it. Of course, it is horribly not okay at the same time. It is not okay that anyone should have to experience pain so intensely and frequently that their body starts to feel like it is collapsing on them. But just for today, it is alright with me, and just for today, I am forgiven.